happiness in laundry

Well, yesterday was that time of the month again. Yep, time to do my laundry. It was especially disgusting since I saw the broken movie and have gotten into the habit of tying people to my ceiling, cutting off their penises, and letting the blood squirt all over my shirt. Anyway, so I strolled down to the "Sack of Suds" Laundromat/Hardware Store/Bait Shop and walk in. There's this guy wearing nothing but fishnets swinging a microphone stand at the vending machine that sells detergent and stuff, yelling "Broken, Broken!" over and over again. So I go over to help and find that he hadn't put any money in it, he had just squeezed water out of an Evian bottle on it and pushed the button. I put a buck in and pushed the button, and he reached in and grabbed the package (the one in the machine, not the one in my pants). He took one look at it and ran out into traffic, almost getting run over. Luckily, he slipped into an open manhole. The last thing I heard from him was "See, Al, I told you I'd be bigger!"

Well, I ran back to the machine and opened the package and found none other than the rare 50% cotton/50% polyester pressing of BFPT # $.75, "Happiness in Laundry"...complete with edible-underwear jacket. Well, needless to say I soiled my underwear so it's a good thing I had the edibles. Standing there in my new panties, I listened to this rare collectors item and did my best to transcribe the lyrics...here ya go:

BFPT # $.75:
happiness in laundry

Maid screams!
She thinks she knows how to wash
Maid screams!
Thinks she has quarters to pay
Maid screams!
She thinks these boxers have been pissed in
Maid screams!
The washer starts its agitation

Don't open the dryer you won't like what you see
Your shirt has been shrunk and now it's really tiny
Don't open the dryer
Take it from me
I have found you can find
Happiness in Laund-ry

Maid screams!
She spends her money on Tide and Downy
Maid screams!
She likes the liquid more than powdery
Maid screams!
She's got a lot of shirts there to fold
Maid screams!
She washed them in all warm and cold

Don't open the dryer, you won't like what you see
you didn't remember to clean that fucking lint screen
Don't open the dryer
Take it from me
I have found you can find
Happiness in Laund-ry

I don't know why it is that I like to watch clothes
as they spin, it just makes me so insane
I put detergent in and then close the lid
and wash all my stuff in this big washing machine

(Static cling...controls you....)

-- steve calderon