NEW YORK (AP) -- After months of on-air cajoling, begging and pleading, Trent Reznor has agreed to do a performance on Late Night With David Letterman. It is unknown why Reznor finally decided to grace the gap-toothed one with his presence, but inside sources tell us that CBS is one of Reznor's favorite television networks, and it is quite likely that he wanted to do whatever he could to boost its sagging ratings.

Letterman was reportedly overjoyed at Reznor's decision to have Nine Inch Nails do a performance on his program; he has wanted the band to appear ever since their appearance at Woodstock II. He was even happier to learn that Reznor penned a new song for the occasion, which he plans to debut on Late Night, allowing Letterman's sidekick Paul Schaffer to assist on keyboard. The Associated Press was lucky enough to obtain a copy of the lyrics to the song:

happy on late night tv

DAVE SCREAMS!
He thinks Drew Barrymore's hot
DAVE SCREAMS!
He thinks Madonna is not
DAVE SCREAMS!
He teases Sirijul and Mujibar!
DAVE SCREAMS!
Gets eighty speeding tickets in his car!

Don't you close your eyes, it's too early to sleep
Just get up and dance to Paul Schaffer's cool beat
Don't crawl into bed, take it from me
I have found, you can be
Happy on late night TV
Happy on late night TV

DAVE SCREAMS!
He knows the Top Ten Uses for Vaseline!
DAVE SCREAMS!
He torments Cue Card Boys without mercy!
DAVE SCREAM
CBS is 'bout ready to fall!
DAVE SCREAMS!
But Dave Letterman will save them all!

Please open your eyes, you will like what you see
Insomniacs are blessed with comedy
Prop open your eyes, take it from me
I have found you can be
Happy on Late Night TV
Happy on Late Night TV

I don't know how he did that Stupid Human Trick
This guy from the Bronx fries eggs with his dick
Staple on your hairpiece, give away the canned ham
Now let's hear the "I'm sorry" from Hugh Grant....

-- andrea zane tawil

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