ABC Television announced today that, for the new season of their hit series Home Improvement, Nine Inch Nails was hired to create a brand-new theme song. (There is no truth to the rumor that one of the Nails was initially thrilled by the assignment, only to realize he'd misheard the show's title as Homo Improvement.)

Trent and band promptly retired to the neighborhood TruValue store and recorded this:

BFPT #6 1/2 x 4 1/2 x 3/4:
mr. shelf construct

I am the sander and the drill (and I rebuild you)
I am the estimate and bill (and I overcharge you)
I am the spackle in the can (and I will plug you)
I am the paint poured in the pan (and I will splash you)

I keep my tools in my own shed
My wheelbarrow is painted red
My favorite tape is labeled "duct"
Mr. Shelf Construct

I am the band saw on the bench (and I jigsaw you)
I am the 3/8" ratchet wrench (and I over-torque you)
I am the fusebox in the wall (and I will shock you)
I am the new rug in the hall (and I carpet-tack you)

I live for hardware sales at Sears
I've been a customer for years
I drive a beat-up pickup truck
Mr. Shelf Construct

I am the sheetrock that you hang (damned blue-collar tweakers *)
I am the nine inch nail you bang (no pun intended!)
I am the thinner for the paint (and I asphyxiate you)
I am the craftsman that you ain't (nyah nyah nyah NYAH nyah)

I'll bring the wrong tools for the job
I'll dress like some ungodly slob
I'm guaranteed to fuck it up
Mr. Shelf Construct

* Guest vocal by Les Claypool

And remember, in the immortal words of Home Improvement star Tim Allen: "Men are pigs."

-- robert (dixie flatline) payes

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