pretty stocking machine

Pretty Stocking Machine
(a holiday tale in three parts)

part 1:

the three keyboards of reznor

We three keyboards of Reznor are
Tried to play music that was hard
Trent was loaded, he exploded,
Breaking us all apart.

oh...OH...

Fist of wonder
Fist of might
Fist that smashed us up that night
If Trent puts us back together,
We'll try not to screw up next time.

the twelve days of fistmas

(first eleven verses cut to avoid unnecessary annoyance)

On the twelfth day of Fistmas, my love slave gave to me:

Twelve fists a-fucking,
Eleven boots a-stomping,
Ten whips a-cracking,
Nine ninnies moshing,
Eight handcuffs cuffing,
Seven busted keyboards,
Six pairs of fishnet,
FIVE...BOOTLEG....TAPES...
Four leather pants,
Three chained gimps,
Two Halo 5's
And a broken vid on laser CD!

part 2:

pretty stocking machine

Just when I spent all year being good
I did nice things as often as I could
But bad things are the only thing Santa hears
I guess I wasn't good enough this year

'Cause look what I got
That's what I got
Look what I got
That's all I got....

How could you just leave me only this
My stocking's full of coal, I don't see gifts...from you
I left you all those cookies, milk, and beer
Now I'm choking on the coal dust you left here....

But that's what I got
That's all I got
That's all I got
That's all I got....

Really came as a surprise, to think that Santa's all that mean
Maybe next year I won't try to be as good as good can be....

'Cause THAT'S ALL I GOT!
COAL IN MY SOCK!
THIS BLACKENED ROCK!
Coal in my sock, that's all I got....
THAT'S ALL I GOT!
THAT'S ALL I GOT!
THIS BLACKENED ROCK,
YOU RUINED MY SOCK, THAT'S ALL I GOT!

sock

There is no Claus up in the sky tonight
No sign of reindeer...anywhere in sight
The myth I thought true now has to die
Once Santa lived, but that's a lie
It's mom and dad, not Saint Nicky
Who leave gifts under the Christmas tree....

SANTA DOESN'T FILL
MY SOCK! SOCK! SOCK!
HE DOESN'T FILL
SOCKS!

One Christmas eve, I wandered down...the stairs
I thought I heard Saint Nick moving...down there
Instead of a fat jolly elf,
My parents wrapped the gifts themselves,
They even ate the snack I made
For my white-bearded hero who never came

SANTA DOESN'T FILL
MY SOCK! SOCK! SOCK!
HE DOESN'T FILL
SOCKS!

HE DOESN'T FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL...
SANTA DON'T FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL...

SOCKS!
SOCKS!
SOCKS!
SOCKS!

part 3:

the only time of the year

I'm drunk
On all of this eggnog that I downed,
And I woke up with a bad hangover inside
Santa's North Pole town

All I feel are jingle bells that ring in my sore, aching head
While ol' Santa wants ta fuck me in the back of his sled
And I'm so cold my feet are turning blue....

Man this is so messed up!
Why did I get so drunk?
How did I get here, I don't know...
Man this is so messed up!
Man, I am so messed up!
Wish I never woke up
Santa wants me to be his punk
Man this is all messed up!

This is the last time I try Cousin Ralphie's 'nog!
When I get home, I'll crush his head with the Yule log....

I swear
Saint Nick is sicker than he seems
He makes all his elves wear rubber pants, and now
He's putting some on me!

Well I try to rip them off, but they're too tight and stick like glue,
And I fear the next thing that Saint Nick will do...
Now I know why he's jollier than you....

Santa is all messed up!
To his sled I'm all cuffed up
His whip ain't for reindeer...OW!
Santa is all messed up!
Santa's sled flies right up
Dropping toys from above
Now he's flying over my house
Uncuffs me and then I drop

But before he leaves, Santa says something that I hear:
"You were a very, VERY GOOD little boy this year."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!

-- andrea zane tawil