Officer was called to the residence of one Michael Trent Reznor several times preceding the Christmas holiday. Officer was instructed to remove or examine various objects/people from the front porch of said residence. The homeowner stated that he had attempted to call Federal Express to cease such deliveries, but was unsuccessful. While the homeowner said he didn't mind some of the objects delivered, some of the others were quite disruptive to his creative process. What follows is an inventory of items recovered from the residence. On or about December 14, 1995, I was called to the residence of Mr. Reznor at -------- Avenue. I examined a gold lighter, inscribed with the legend "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a gold lighter to burn all that damned poetry." Also examined were two Kurzweil 2000 synthesizers that bore a similar inscription. The lighter and the packing cases for the keyboards were sent to forensics and the instruments themselves were fingerprinted, then removed to the homeowners studio at ------- Street, also City of New Orleans. Homeowner stated that at the time, he thought this was a practical joke someone in his organization was playing on him. I agreed. He stated that he would notify me if any more unannounced deliveries were made.

On or about December 18th, 1995, I was again called to the domicile of Mr. Reznor. Mr. Reznor apologized and told me that he had been too busy working to call me, but that he had received several more deliveries, some of which had already been moved to his studio (which impeded this investigation). I was shown six goosedown blankets, five gold rings that appeared to have some fetish significance, and four cases of Cuervo Gold tequila, one of which had been opened and part of its contents consumed.

I was then escorted by Mr. Reznor to his recording studio to examine three french horns. All bore inscriptions similar to the first objects recovered. Mr. Reznor again apologized and showed me the empty tequila bottles. He stated that when those cases arrived, he did not realize that they were not part of the order he had placed at the local liquor store. He found a note sometime later in one of the cases that said "On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me four cases of tequila." He admitted that he had been inebriated at the time and had thrown the letter away. He also admitted that at the time of the receipt of the five golden rings, he thought that they were a gag gift from a friend of his, named Mr. Lifto, and therefore did not think to call me. Only after he received the six goosedown blankets did he consider informing this officer. The french horns were not fingerprinted, since they had been moved from the scene, but an engraving expert was called in to identify the type of font used to complete the calligraphy process. These results as well as the investigation into where the instruments were purchased are still pending. (This also includes the K-2000's.) The packing crates for the tequila were removed to forensics, as were the six goosedown blankets and the five golden rings. I have asked a fellow officer in the Vice Squad to investigate whether or not the rings were purchased at one of the local fetish shops.

On December 22, 1995, I was called again to the Reznor residence. I was met at the door by a slightly hungover-looking Mr. Reznor. He explained that he has called me to escort some people off the property. He asked if I spoke any Spanish. I regretfully explained that I took French in college. As I entered the domicile, I noticed the evidence of a party. He explained that someone hired eight maids and nine exotic dancers. None of the maids spoke English, so he could not explain to them that the house needed cleaning. The nine exotic dancers were the source of the party the previous night and he explained that he is having trouble convincing them to leave. He looked harried and exhausted. I called the precinct to find a translator and a backup unit to remove the sleeping dancers, all of which were in various stages of undress. While we were waiting, Mr. Reznor asked me if I would like some coffee. He picked his way over the bodies to get to the kitchen while I rousted an unconscious young woman from the couch.

When Reznor returned with the coffee, he explained that when he returned home from the studio the party was already in full swing. When he regained consciousness himself that morning, he realized he did not have a clue as to who these people were. One of the young ladies was able to tell him that they were a Christmas present. He said "The girl I talked to, said that she was supposed to tell him, if asked, that the dancers were the ninth present" That was all he was able to get from her before she passed out again. I assured him that we would do a thorough questioning of the girls downtown. He stated that he didn't want them charged with anything, "because it was a pretty good party after all" but that he just needed them to go so he could get back to work. He also asked that the maids be allowed to clean the house before being questioned. I agreed to allow the maids to complete their job. Reznor looked relieved and removed some debris from a nearby chair so he could sit down. Before he could, however, the doorbell rang. Mr. Reznor went to answer it. I followed, thinking that it was the backup unit.

Upon opening the door, we discovered a large packing crate that was rocking back and forth alarmingly. Music poured forth from the crate at an appalling volume. Suddenly, the box burst and ten young men tumbled out and began moshing. They screamed "I want to fuck you like an animal" repeatedly. Reznor blanched, and turned to me. "Let me guess" he said. "Ten poseurs, slamming." I shrugged my shoulders, baffled. About this time, the backup unit pulled up out front. "Get them out of here!" Mr. Reznor snapped before stalking back into the living room. "Does anyone know where the fucking Tylenol is?" he yelled at the bodies. Only one or two stirred. He disappeared upstairs, leaving me to conduct the rest of the investigation.

My fellow officers and I arrested ten young people for disturbing the peace and trespassing. Several resisted arrest and had to be restrained. We detained nine young women for questioning. However, none of them could tell us who had hired them. We also questioned via translator eight domestic servants. After making several calls to Immigration, all were cleared and allowed to return to their previous jobs. None of them could tell us who hired them as well. When I called Reznor to inform him of the proceedings, I asked him again who he thought was behind this. He said "I called Tommy Lee and asked him to knock it off but he didn't know what I was talking about. So I have no idea who is doing this." I rung off after assuring him that we were trying our best and that there were only two days of Christmas left. "Yeah, great." he said without enthusiasm. "I wonder what I'll get next" and hung up.

December 23, 1995. Received phone call from an amused Reznor. I heard a lot of racket in the background. "If you are wondering what the noise is, "he yelled into the phone, "its eleven guys in kilts and they are all playing bagpipes." "Have they played Scotland the Brave yet?" I asked. "No, not yet." was the reply. "I think they're playing Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, but I'm not sure. I've never heard an arrangement like that before." He hiccoughed into the phone, then excused himself. I got the impression he and the Scotsmen were getting along famously. "I'm gonna invite 'em all down to the studio," he slurred, "an' I'm gonna get 'em to record some stuff for me. I also wanna know where they got those kilts." He hiccoughed again. "Hey!" he yelled over the din. "Do ya think I would look good in one of those kilt thingies?" I heard a faint "Aye, laddie!" More to himself than to me, he said, "Hmm. I wonder if fishnets and combat boots would look good with that outfit." He said he would call me if anything else showed up on his doorstep and I told him I would come over the next day to interview the Scotsmen. He agreed and we hung up.

December 24, 1995. Went to the Reznor residence to interview the bagpipers. Received a disturbance-of-the-peace call en route directing me to the Reznor address. When I got there, I discovered utter chaos. There were twelve young men all with very short blonde hair playing drum kits of all sizes in the front lawn. Also, the Bagpipers had decided to join in, creating quite a racket. In the middle of it all, I discovered Reznor leaning against a tree. He was quite drunk and was directing the cacophony with a twig for a baton. The man standing next to him introduced himself as Chris Vrenna, Reznor's assistant. Vrenna bore a startling resemblance to the men doing the drumming. When I asked him about this, he explained that he thought someone had cloned him. I must have looked quite perplexed, until he explained that he was the drummer for Reznor's band.

Then it hit me. The present for the twelfth day of Christmas would be twelve drummers drumming. I started to remark on this to Reznor but he was now singing at the top of his lungs. "And a partridge in a pear tree!" he bellowed before falling over. Mr. Vrenna leaped to his side. I inquired as to his health, but Mr. Vrenna explained that he was just drunk. The noise ground to a halt when the band leader took his little nose dive, so I began to round all of them up for questioning while Vrenna tried to revive his friend. He became conscious long enough to tell me he didn't want to press charges then promptly passed out again. I called for backup and Vrenna tried to keep the clones from milling about in the petunias. I overheard Vrenna muttering "I knew we should have gone to Hawaii" as I drove away.

As of January 3, 1996, the case of the 12 Christmas presents has still not been solved. Since no one was seriously injured, it is my recommendation that the investigation be closed.

M.Stanislovsky, patrol.