now for a feast

pretty

catering

machine

a mega-mix

assembled and illustrated

by kate mccormack

It's really interesting what you can find out when you dig a little bit for information, isn't it? Through sources which I cannot identify for fear of getting my ass kicked, I have learned that Trent Reznor earned his living in the foodservice industry for a number of years before hitting the big time as a musician. And what may be even more shocking to learn is that he wrote an entire album's worth of songs ON COMPANY TIME! Coincidentally, they all seem to relate to food in one way or another...funny how that happens, huh?

Through my still-unnamed sources, I've been able to get my hands on an extremely rare demo tape of those particular songs. Labeled simply Pretty Catering Machine: BFPT #83 (which I assume is some sort of pre-halo identification system), the songs are very clearly early versions of the tunes we all have heard on pretty hate machine.

Thanks to KT and m.c.death for their help in researching this project. -- Kate


Roll With A Hole (Bagel Mix)

oh bagels, i'd do anything for you
oh bagels, smooth, round and cute, so good to chew
oh bagels, wheat, poppy or sesame
with cream cheese, i want everything, give them to me

don't want no biscuit
don't want no donut
don't want no hash browns or Texas Toast....

roll with a hole!
that is my goal!
blueberry, rye --
i'm out of control!

bow down before the bagel shrine
pray hard and i could make them mine
bow down before the bagel shrine
pray hard and i could make them mine

oh bagels, so simple, true and pure
oh bagels, are they fresh? i don't want them if you're not sure
oh bagels, unlike fruit i don't think they can be bruised
all these bagels, how can i choose?

i'll fucking kill anyone
who tries to
take all my bagels away from me

roll with a hole!
invades my soul!
this way of life's
more precious than gold!

bow down before the bagel shrine
pray hard and i could make them mine
bow down before the bagel shrine
pray hard and i could make them mine
bow down before the bagel shrine
pray hard and i could make them mine
bow down before the bagel shrine
pray hard and i could make them mine....

(you are what you eat)


Terrible Beans (Java Mix)

Hey, boss -- why are you doing this to me?
I think it's awful that you buy all this cheap coffee
That pot is brewing with a smell that's so nasty
Hey, boss -- i think it's high time you got rid of all of the

Terrible beans!
Terrible beans!

This travesty is just obscene
Bean juice that tastes like mud, only mud's more clean
I feel withdrawal like a razor's edge so keen
I need some capuccino, I NEED SOME CAFFEINE!!!!!

Terrible beans!
Terrible beans!
Terrible beans!
Terrible beans!

Please take it away from me
Or I just might have to spew
Please take it away from me
Or I just might have to spew
Please take it away from me
Or I just might have to spew
please take it, please take it,
please take it, please take it, please --

There's nothing here that's fit to drink
Bet I could use this stuff to unclog the sink
It sits untouched so long the coffee pot burns dry
Must flee the horrid taste, the horrid taste of my...

Terrible beans!
Terrible beans!
Terrible beans!
Terrible beans!

(Terrible beans!)
I want to throw this all away
This bitter drink cannot stay
How many pots per day
Are poured right down the sink?
(Terrible beans!)
My cup is filled with your sleaze
I want Gevalia, please
I'm on my hands and knees
I've got to order some, please....


Shop For It (Piggly-Wiggly Mix)

Like a little kid I was lost so lost in this store
and i was buying some groceries you wouldn't believe
some beans, some macaroni and cheese
then i decided that some produce would be nice
just then a fuzzy kiwi fruit caught my eye
it was just about too cute to eat
i've been shopping way too long
my brain is breaking down....

i was all out of it
i was all out of it
now i'll shop for it
i was all out of it
i was all out of it
now i'll shop for it

i'm broke -- so what? what does it matter now?
with my trusty visa card it's pay later, buy now
i'll get these groceries 'cause i really need food
and it's almost like they're free
want some dairy products now
well isn't it funny they all come from a cow?
(and so does all that beef, i said)

i was all out of it
i was all out of it
now i'll shop for it
i was all out of it
i was all out of it
now i'll shop for it

i need shampoo (you can't go wrong)
i need some cheese (it's way too strong)
i need some Ben & Jerry's Smooth
i need a box of Kleenex!

i used to keep my fridge well-stocked
now it's just this big old empty box
i used to have it all
i used to have a roommate

i'll shut my eyes i'll pray real hard
that the cashier takes my credit card
and that my car has room for all these sacks
full of food i'm gonna buy

at mom's i used to eat for free
that's just a fading memory
i looked her right in the eye
and sighed "goodbye"

i was all out of it
i was all out of it
now i'll shop for it
i was all out of it
i was all out of it
now i'll shop for it


Thanks-tified (Mayflower Mix)

it still makes me sick after all these years i've tried
but now i've found a way to push it all aside
this time that turkey won't go to my hips
your Thanksgiving feast won't even pass my lips

you used to say "carve that bird,"
i carved that bird for you
and when you said "eat your food,"
i ate everything for you

i was horrified
but i really tried
i was thanks-tified
all for you

turkey's just tradition, you know well
and the stuffing, yams and gravy taste like hell
I still dream of food like pizza pie and beer
so I will eat something different this year

and if you say "pass the yams"
i'll pass the yams to you
and if you say "take some first"
i'll just hand them straight on through

i was horrified
but i really tried
i was thanks-tified
all for you

I just cannot stand the taste of all that food
but you know i'm not trying to be rude
every year I hope and pray for something new
'cause Pizza Hut delivers all day through

and if you ask "pumpkin pie?"
i'd tell you "no, thank you"
and if you said "order out"
well of course i'd share with you

i was horrified
but i really tried
i was thanks-tified
all for you

i was horrified
but i really tried
i was thanks-tified
all for you

(so juicy when the blade's course is run
maybe that turkey's finally done)


Hangover That I Probably Deserve (Mixed Drink Mix)

i still recall the taste of those beers
as i heave my guts out, hearing ringing in my ears
my favorite drinks were mixed, straight up and poured
rushing to my head till i can't stand up straight
anymore

please make that noise go away
please make that noise go away
turn off that fucking light
or i'm going to kill myself

please make that noise go away
please make that noise go away
i need some aspirin
i promise that i'll never drink again

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't drink as much as i can drink now
my grades are slowly slipping down the drain
rum would be the flavor, if i had a brain

come on, help me
please make that noise go away
please make that noise go away
turn off that fucking light
or i'm going to kill myself

please make that noise go away
please make that noise go away
i need some aspirin
i'm sorry that i heaved inside your car
*(you didn't see it?)*

in disgrace, i should be so ashamed
though i still feel horrid now, i deserve all the blame
puke all on the floor, puke on the seat
just a nasty fucking reminder of last night's drinking spree

come on, help me
please make that noise go away
please make that noise go away
turn off that fucking light
or i'm going to kill myself

please make that noise go away
please make that noise go away
i'm such a dumb-ass
i promise that i'll never drink again
i promise that i'll never drink again....

**(based on a true story; inspired by Ginger Strand and cordially dedicated to Tommy Mack)


Sandwich (Deli Mix)

you give me salami, you give me swiss cheese
i ask you for mayonnaise, will you fix my sandwich please

but there's a choice between white or wheat
which cheese? which meat?
which vegetables?
so much to eat!
fresh sandwich, cold beer, a treat, treat, treat

this deli is great!
i ate
my weight
in pastrami on rye
now i must
digest
and then
i'll be back here again

can i have a reuben? how about French dip?
i give you a couple bucks, can you make it worth the trip?

i'm just a sucker for that fresh-baked bread
it hurts my head
to think that someday i'll be dead
unless there's delis after death
well, in that case i'll be set

it comes down to this
sandwich
with chips
and a pickle, some parsley
i'll munch
my lunch
and smile
'cause i like it a bunch


Kinda I Want Food (Penniless Mix)

i can't find the butter or the bread
hunger pains are going to my head
the cupboard's bare, nothing seems to stay
i want to make this feeling go away

i know it's almost morning
and i know i should be sleeping
but kinda i want food
kinda i want food

i'm not sure just what i should eat
something salty, maybe something sweet
all of my fruit juices turned to wine
('cause fruit will do that after three weeks' time)

my fridge is growing green things
and i know i shouldn't eat them...
but kinda i want food
kinda i want food

kinda i want food
just sustain me tonight
cravings that i must fight
pizza del-iv-er-ray?
i don't care what i pay
i want food!
i want food!
(i'll take a large pepperoni tonight)


*That's* What I Get?! (School Cafeteria Mix)

college was supposed to have been bliss
my parents paid a pricey sum for this
this cafeteria -- it sucks, it's true
it even tastes worse than most airplane food

so *that's* what i get?!
*that's* what i get? (for $20K a year)

how could they offer stuff like this?
edibility's not on their list
this steak is still red although it's fried
and the vegetables are cold, mushy and dry

so *that's* what i get?!
*that's* what i get? (for $20K a year)
*that's* what i get?
*that's* what i get? (for $20K a year)

it should come as no surprise
to learn they can screw up canned fruit
even cereal tastes stale
by now, i think my point is moot

so *that's* what i get?!
*that's* what i get? (for $20K a year)
*that's* what i get?
*that's* what i get? (for $20K a year)
*that's* what i get?
*that's* what i get? (for $20K a year)
*that's* what i get?
*that's* what i get? (for $20K a year)


The Only Thing (30 minutes or less mix)

i'm starved
and i can hear pizza call my name
and i don't really care too much that last night's dinner was the same

lay my hands on pepperoni, pineapple, olives and more
while the dough boy's spinning pie crusts in the back of the store
nothing quite like a pizza, hot and new

maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice or two
maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice or two
maybe i'll have a slice

this is the only thing i am addicted to
this is the only thing i am addicted to

i swear
i've ordered sixteen times this week
the guy on the phone is rolling his eyes
he knows me when i speak

well i want to eat it up, to savor it, erase my frown
my checkbook balance is spiralling down
nothing quite like a pizza, hot and new

maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice or two
maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice
maybe i'll have a slice or two
maybe i'll have a slice

this is the only thing i am addicted to
this is the only thing i am addicted to

(i can't help thinking Christ never had pizza like this)


What Flavor (Pralines 'N' Trent Mix)

[Author's note: An earlier version of this track, with slightly different lyrics, was titled simply "Scoop." It can be found on the "live import" CD Purest Feeding.]

Well you've got me working so hard lately
Scooping ice cream until I freeze
If there were half as many flavors
We'd still need all our employees

When you schedule me I'll show up
Anything you ask you know I'll do
'Cause I really need the money
I have to pay for school....

What flavor? Waffle cone or cup?
One scoop, two, or three?
What flavor? Sprinkles, fruit or nuts?
Nothing here is free....

Yes we have no bananas
Hanging from this banana tree
I'm just dying for a split
'Cause it's buy one, get one free....

What flavor? Waffle cone or cup?
One scoop, two, or three?
What flavor? Sprinkles, fruit or nuts?
A dollar ninety-three....

Sell that cake and make that pie!
I'm tired of this store
Go ahead and fire me
I don't want to work here anymore....

What flavor? Waffle cone or cup?
One scoop, two, or three?
What flavor? Sprinkles, fruit or nuts?
Nothing here is free....

(...i'm so tired i can't go to work
and the ringing of my clock is right on time
with the hour i should be getting up
i just want you to know
when i scoop it, i only think of you)


more songs kick me