Yes, ninnies, the rumors are true! Nine Inch Nails will be releasing a Christmas album this year! Reasons Trent, "Hey, the little shits are buying anything with a NIN imprint on it these days, why the hell not?" Since Reznor's busy compiling Halo 666 (a 100-disc box set of every single Nails live show), he's farmed the holiday project out as a BFPT release:

Merry Christmas, Fuckface
(BFPT #12/25)

  1. march of the elves
  2. fat guy with a sleigh
  3. all i want for christmas is steve gottlieb's head on a stick (duet with Mariah Carey)
  4. sled through the snow
  5. happiness in toymaking
  6. jesus built my snowmobile (duet with Al Jourgensen)
  7. we fist you a merry christmas
  8. dance of the sugar-plum masochists (instrumental)

selected lyrics:

fat guy with a sleigh

I am a fat guy
(yes I am)
And I have a big sleigh
Got me a big old sack and I
I pack the toys away
Land on your rooftop
I'm down the chimney
Maybe I'll leave some presents
You know, just for the holidays
I can eat cookies if I want
I can drink cocoa
I'm fat as Orson Welles, and I've got a ways to go
I know who's nice or naughty, and I'll show you somehow
Me and my flying sleigh
Time to hit the skies now
Ho ho ho ho ho
I'm going to leave some coal for you
Me and my flying sleigh
Me and my flying sleigh

sled through the snow

Dear Santa, I've been real good this year
Dear Santa, just listen to this list I got here
Dear Santa, nailed my stocking to the wall
Dear Santa, start taking notes 'cause I want it all

Bring me a Discman
Bring me a new synth
Bring me the Mud Pigs Woodstock CD
Bring life insurance
For my guitarist
And for Tori, some new leather undies

SLED THROUGH THE SNOW!
GO "HO HO HO!"
I'M GONNA DIE
IF YOU BRING ME COAL!

Bow down before the Christmas tree
You're going to bring it all to me

Dear Santa, not looking for new clothes
Dear Santa, not concerned about frost nipping at my toes
Dear Santa, let's go shopping for new gear at Sam Ash
Dear Santa, mebbe you should just bring cash...

Bring me some new boots
Bring me some fishnets
Bring me a release from TVT
Bring me the uncut Natural Born Killers
(And could you please make my dead doggy breathe?)

SLED THROUGH THE SNOW!
GO "HO HO HO!"
I'M GONNA DIE
IF YOU BRING ME COAL!

Bow down before the Christmas tree
You're going to bring it all to me

[You know what I want....]

happiness in toymaking

ELVES SCREAM!
They're falling behind on deliveries!
ELVES SCREAM!
Their work conditions are in disarray!
ELVES SCREAM!
Sega won't license their technology!
ELVES SCREAM!
They're losing business to the Japanese!

[Santa voice]
Go back to your bench, you undersized shits
Your labor demands won't help you a bit
Go back to your bench, take it from me
I have found you can find
Happiness in toymaking

ELVES SCREAM!
Their union demands have all been ignored!
ELVES SCREAM!
That wood-shop accident left twelve injured!
ELVES SCREAM!
Their health plan can't afford a candy cane!
ELVES SCREAM!
Rudolph got three reindeer knocked up again!

[Santa voice]
Go back to your bench, you've got work to do
I've got a big power lunch to attend to
Go back to your bench, take it from me
I have found you can find
Happiness in toymaking

I don't know what I am
I don't know where I've been
Silly hat, pointy shoes
Don't reach much past your shin
Power Rangers and Barneys, such an endless routine
Just a cog in this big Christmas machine

Happiness in toymaking....

-- author unknown (but if you're reading, e-mail us!)
reposted by jim stark

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