notice: product info subject to being an elaborate lie

Christie's Toy Box, KT's Adult Books and Videos,
and Ronco Enterprises proudly present:

The Reznor Love Doll and Bondage Plaything!

In an unprecedented collaboration, these three companies are proud to announce the launch of their newest product: The Reznor Love Doll and Bondage Plaything. Using state-of-the-art technology and more than just a little bit of mindfuck, the creators of the Reznor Love Doll and The ACME Novelty Company (Marital Aids Division) have created a lifelike Trent Reznor doll for your favorite fetish fantasy.

Built with a special microchip processor, it self-inflates and speaks those passionate Reznor favorites like "Fist me, I'm Trent," "I wanna fuck you like an animal," "It's not my fault...I was drunk!," "Fuck me, I'm sooooo depressed," and "Steve Gottlieb is a weenie!" -- plus many, many more!

The Reznor Love Doll and Bondage plaything is made of special puncture-resistant latex, so it can handle all the verbal and sexual abuse you can think of. It also comes with special handcuffs and blindfold. The Doll can be purchased in two versions, The Wet and Muddy Reznor (a la Woodstock) or the Damp and Dangerous Reznor (a la the Bowie tour).

All this can be yours for the low price of $169.95! But look! That's not all! For just a few dollars more, you can get these exciting accessories:

The self-inflating ego chip -- $30.00
The self-inflating/deflating penis chip with microprocessor vocal accessory disk containing such Reznor soundbyte gems as "I have references, goddammit!" and "Blow me" -- $40.00
The Supplemental Soundbytes disk including such favorites as "bite," "taste," "lick," "sweat," and "come" -- $20.00
The Oral Sex chip with special jaw and tongue inserts -- $70.00
The Dominatrix Delight butt-wriggling chip and special whining disk -- $20.00

Ronco Enterprises is so certain you will just adore the Reznor doll that they offer this guarantee: If for any reason you are not happy with your piece of Trent's ass, Ronco will refund your money! That's right! A complete refund! No questions asked! *

Christie's Toy Box, KT's Adult Books and Videos, and Ronco Enterprises are certain that this product will outsell The ACME Passion Penguin and the I Love Ewe. So hurry, and place your order today! Remember, friends, Christmas is coming!

Look for our next Lifelike Reznor Doll, The Slothful Reznor, sometime in late 1998. Features include removable bathrobe, burping and stammering audio disk, and smelly black socks. This doll will also have the special fart-lighting feature that will surely be the highlight of your next orgy!

* Refund available only within 30 days of purchase. Warranty excludes damage done to doll in a fit of pique about the release date of the next Nine Inch Nails record.

-- lisa livingston