Lock up your wives and daughters.
Those lusty, lascivious, hot-blooded Republicans have their testosterone up and nobody's safe. Safe, that is, from hypocrisy.
Actually, I never think of Republicans as libidinous party animals. Democrats, including the one in the White House, are reputedly the swingers.
But there's an aphrodisiac in the air -- the '96 presidential campaign? -- turning the GOP into wild and crazy guys. Republican candidates talk so much about sex, they sound like teenage boys hanging on a street corner.
But what the GOP moralists say and do mocks their bluestocking piety.
Start with Sen. Bob Dole, R-Kan. Suddenly, we discover Dole's brain teems with dirty movies and rap lyrics. Is it just a coincidence that when Dole's courting the Christian Coalition and other religious fundamentalists, he starts frothing against heathen smut?
But Dole has chutzpah. He badmouths Hollywood's elite while holding out a $500,000 tin cup.
"A line has been crossed, not just of taste but of human decency," Dole savaged the movieland nabobs. "Hollywood's dream factories have turned into nightmares of depravity. This mainstreaming of deviancy must end."
For a confusing moment, I thought I was listening to Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell. Or their ghostwriters.
Dole blisters R-rated, flesh-and-glore flicks such as Natural Born Killers and True Romance, which "revel in mindless violence and loveless sex."
Somehow, I can't picture Dole and wife Elizabeth curling up on the sofa with Natural Born Killers on the VCR.
Not the first time Dole's railed against movies he's never seen.
But Dole fired his loudest salvos at entertainment giant Time Warner and its rappers, Cannibal Corpse (?!), Geto Boys and 2 Live Crew.
"I'm talking about 'music' extolling raping, torturing, and mutiliating women, 'songs' about killing policemen," Dole said.
He trashed Time Warner executives. "You've sold your soul."
But the real scam is that Dole has taken at least $21,000 from Time Warner for his campaigns. Including a check for his '96 presidential run.
If Dole hates their morals-shattering music, why grab their tainted money?
A familiar, cynical game: Blast Hollywood's depravity while taking the movie crowd's bucks. Dan Quayle and Bill Clinton played it.
Nothing changes.
Short of censorship, sex-and-gore films will pack theater seats. As filmmaker Rob Reiner says, "When people stop buying tickets, Hollywood stops making these movies."
For Dole, it's a sweet deal--protector of family values who shakes down Time Warner, Hollywood patsies and the Christian right.
Pardon, senator, but whose soul is for sale?
When it comes to sex, Republicans have more positions than the Kama Sutra. They make money from it while pontificating against it.
Then there's Rep. Newt Gingrich, R-Ga., who may be a '96 candidate while thundering against "America's sick society."
Same Newt who blamed Woody Allen's sex life and a South Carolina mother's alleged drowning of her children on Democratic immorality.
Well, turn to an excerpt from a novel-in-progress than Gingrich is coauthoring:
"Even though it had only been minutes since their last lovemaking, he (the White House chief of staff) was as ever overwhelmed by the sigh of her, the shameless pleasure in her own body...
"Suddenly the pouting sex kitten gave way to Diana the Huntress.
"She rolled onto him and somehow was sitting athwart his chest, her knees pinning his shoulders. 'Tell me, or I will make you do terrible things,' she hissed."
What terrible things?
Listen to Newt's two-hour speech on cyberspace?
Have the sex-drugged hero recite the Contract with America?
Ah, those rollicking, raunchy Republicans.
They'll lambaste porn all the way to the bank.
-- transcribed by robin colleen moore