i do not want this
niktah ambrosia (grimya@ksu.ksu.edu):
"i'm losing ground
you know how this world can beat you down
i'm made of clay
i fear i'm the only one who thinks this way"
This is about a person who is desperately trying to find his/her own self. What is happening is that the person is discovering a belief, letting others (friends, family, etc.) know what that belief is, and then losing that belief due to the "others" saying, "That belief is wrong and this is why." That type of argumentation sends the person back to the same place (s)he started before, but it's more difficult to redevelop the belief because now there's a new set of arguments to fight against. It is very hard to work to find one's self in a world where you're attacked if you don't fit into the accepted standards of society.
"i'm always falling down the same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall i'm drowning in"
The same hill is what I've mentioned above. The hill is the lack of self. The hill is never overcome because obstacles (others' beliefs and arguments) keep knocking the person down. There is a sense of hopelessness, a sense that nothing will ever be gained ("i'm drowning").
"2 feet below the surface i can still make out your wavy face
and if i could just reach you maybe i could leave this place"
There is someone that the person knows who will accept the person as is, unlike the rest of society. Unfortunately, the person is drowning and can't reach the someone. If (s)he could, then there is the hope that the two could "fight" together and support each other, resulting in both people finding themselves and having the power to remain as themselves despite society's attacks.
"i do not want this
don't you tell me how i feel
you don't know just how i feel"
The person just wants to be left alone to find self without interference or influence by others' beliefs. This isn't possible. Now it can be seen that not only is society telling the person what is right and wrong, but it is also trying to convince the person that (s)he will be happier with certain beliefs, and/or society is trying to sympathize and say, "I've been here before. This worked for me. It must work for you, too." But no one can truly understand where the person is coming from except that person, and perhaps the "someone" (mentioned above).
"i stay inside my bed
i have lived so many lives all in my head
don't tell me that you care
there really isn't anything, is there?"
There are a lot of beliefs that the person has had at one point in time or another. These lives, although failed in the "real world", can be successful in fantasy. The lives are carried out in the mind, which can be even more painful for the person, especially if the mind- lives are successful and would have resulted in happiness for the person. Once again, there is another attack against society's attempt to sympathize (when society can't understand what the person is going through.) The person also demands knowledge from society. (S)he asks society to take off its mask and show the truth about whether or not happiness and self can truly be obtained.
"you would know, wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something"
This is another attack on one specific person. It's an attempt to explain that society can't ever really understand. They only think they understand what's going on. It's also an attack on others who pretend to be in such a "lost" state. It reminds me specifically of people in school who used to brag about how many times they'd attempted suicide. It became a contest to see who had tried it the most. "Like that means something" shows disgust for such people who think that the pain and misery is "cool" and "popular" -- in other words, accepted in a particular society.
"and oh so sick i am
and maybe i don't have a choice
and maybe that is all i have
and maybe this is a cry for help"
Ambivalence and confusion ring clear here. The person is desperate for happiness. That desperation, combined with the knowledge that happiness can never be obtained, results in asking for help. The person is pondering "giving up" on the search for self and instead trying to fit into society. The person doesn't like this idea and doesn't even know if it will work. There is now a constant debate between misery/attempt at self vs. pseudo-happiness/loss of self. The person does not and cannot ever know which choice is the right choice. This results in a state of limbo, which is even more difficult than living in one of the above choices. Yet due to confusion, the person cannot make a choice.
"i want to know everything
i want to be everywhere
i want to fuck everyone in the world
i want to do something that matters"
The person wants the knowledge to make the decision. "Fucking" could refer to either the gaining of knowledge or a desire to inflict pain on the world that has given him/her such a great deal of pain already. The person is sick of being stuck in ambivalence and wants to break out of it by doing "something that matters." In looking at this analysis, it doesn't appear that success in any of these endeavors is likely.
Read on....