hurt

niktah ambrosia (grimya@ksu.ksu.edu):

"i hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real"

Sometimes the pain in life can be so much that it overloads the system. If the body can't handle the pain, in this case, emotional, it will cease to feel all emotions. This creates a need to feel something, even if it's negative. For this reason, physical pain is inflicted -- and in this situation, the pain is the only thing that exists, because all other feelings have become desensitized.

"the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything"

The familiar sting is a sense of relief. One wonders if one can ever feel again. One has been in this situation before, and has always come out of it, but there is still a sense that one might not be able to come out of it "this time." The physical pain eventually brings back the thoughts that killed away the emotions in the first place, and now no matter how much one tries to focus on the pain, it does not erase the memories of what has happened. This may seem confusing and contradictory, but I view it more as ambivalence, and ambivalence is very predominant when one is in a depressed state of mind.

"what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end"

There are two people that "I" talk to. Sometimes there is an actual, physical person who is very near and dear to me, and who understands what I'm going through. Other times, it is me talking to myself -- to the part of me that I have turned my back on, the same part that I wish I had the courage to be. The last two lines affect me a lot simply because I don't have a lot of friends. I am friendly to most, but I have a hard time making friends because I want a close-knit friendship. At college, my friends are graduating and getting apartments. At home, they're all at out-of-state summer schools while I'm working. Beyond this, there is also a feeling of separation, because my friends and I are growing/maturing in different directions, and there are fewer aspects of my life and my thoughts that I'll trust them with. And there is a fear of losing my friends due to the mental and physical separations.

"you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt"

This has to do mostly with accomplishments that are meaningless because they were done for the wrong reasons. This reminds me of successes that brought happiness to all but one person -- me. People are sometines jealous of me, but it doesn't make any sense because I know what I want, and I am not doing anything to accomplish that. Therefore, what I have is an "empire of dirt." If I admit this to anyone, it will disappoint/hurt them. I also think the last line has to do with the quote, "Love is giving someone the power to hurt you." It's entirely too true. When I think of the people to whom I have caused the most pain, they are also the people whom I love the most. This combines well with the "what have i become?" It's a question of "why have I done this when now all I'm going to do is cause everyone pain?"

"i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair"

Here's another reference to worthless accomplishments and the fact that a lot of lying was done to protect others from getting hurt. This lying simply perpetuates the "empire of dirt." The broken thoughts are the actual hopes and dreams of the person that have been lost forever because that person was spending too much time trying to please others, and in the process ignoring him/herself. Too many opportunities have been missed.

"beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here"

As the opportunities to "fix the thoughts" become less and less available, despair sets in. One gives up on fixing them, and allows time to wash away the pain. This is starting to circle back to the beginning of the song, where the feelings completely disappear and have to be artificially produced by physical means. The last two lines refer to the mental separation that occurs between the friends as they are thrown into two different environments and grow differently. It throws one into isolation.

"if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way"

This is something of a warning. It's one person realizing that one would do things completely differently if one had the chance. Unfortunately, for that person the chance is lost. It's almost as if the narrator is saying, "if I could do this ... but I can't. You, however, may still have a chance. Think about what I've said." As it is, this person appears to be completely devoid of hope.

jim stark (htbt69d@prodigy.com):

"i hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real"

When we're emotionally distraught, the first thing we do is hide, shut down. He has to physically inflict pain as a substitute for emotion.

"the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything"

Heroin. Only a junkie would get this on the first listen. See, a junkie only wants to dull life...to take the edge off everything...but dope makes you as sick as it does high. The works get dull, the veins are tough to pop...but it still seems desirable and romantic while you're strung out. Also, junkies remember a lot more than other drug addicts. Dope doesn't kill your memory, just your desire to live. Unfortunately, dope doesn't kill much, either. Like Ministry said..."a junkie never dies." (Unless you're Kurt.)

"what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end"

Two possibilities. First of all, I think the pain and/or the drugs are the sweetest friend. Notice in the lyric book it's a separate line after the question mark. That inplies to me a separate thought. The rest is obvious...depressed and/or strung out people drive everyone away eventually.

"you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt"

This to me implies Trent's romantic nature, even in a song like this. The "empire of dirt" is obviously the bullshit we all consider important...and amidst the angst, depression, suicide, and drug impressions he leaves us with...he still offers it all to...whomever. But, being Trent, he self-deprecates and qualifies it with the "let down" and "hurt" part.

"i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair"

This to me means the importance we place on ourselves, our jobs, our place in a relationship, in the world, etc. We sit day after day on "chairs" of importance...holding court...and it's all bullshit. Behind the mask of Joe Corporate lies a twisted pit of despair, ruin and pain. That's the "full of broken thoughts" line...we put on the mask, no matter how tortured our thoughts and souls are.

"beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here"

Time heals all wounds. Time hides all wounds. If we hide from time, we don't have to face our wounds. If we don't have to face our wounds, we can say it's not our fault. I think Trent is writing about an inability to take responsibility for a failed ___ (pick one: life, career, relationship).

"if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way...."

Hope. A dream of someday straightening out...maybe it's even a cry for help. I see this section as an affirmation, almost. It's the Trent version of "i think i can i think i can"...it's "i wish i could i wish i could."

Read on....