Welcome to the flagship edition of "Auntie Buck's Advice." I welcome all submissions at thx1138@sam.neosoft.com. If you've got a problem that's just too fucked up for Dear Abby, this is the place for you!
Dear Auntie Buck,
Is it normal to lust after small cuddly forest animals? I'm down to my last fuzzy bunny, and I'm starting to scare myself....
-- Love, S. Gottlieb
Dear Steve,
Although this form of bestiality isn't really normal, I wouldn't consider it abnormal per se. Providing that you and whatever the animal may be have a pure, monogamous relationship, and the bunny consents to whatever desires you wish to impose on it, I don't see any reason to discontinue your activities. However, the good thing about lusting after small animals like rabbits is that after you fuck them you can turn them into a stew or a pie.
Dear Auntie Buck,
I think I may have killed myself. What should I do?
-- Confused
Dear Confused,
Try cremating yourself. Believe me, if you're not dead, you'll know.
Dear Auntie Buck,
I have problems in school because I can't keep my attention focused. I'll be trying to take notes in class, like the other day when afterwards I decided I should go CD shopping, and that reminds me, my brother is coming to visit, so I have to get the peacock cleaned, and did you see Ricki Lake last week? What a show.
Well, I have to go place my order for a do-it-yourself electroconvulsive therapy kit, but thanks again for your help, and if I ever find the bastard who stole my Jeopardy! home game, I'll send him to you for help.
Oh yeah, one more thing. Now what was it...never mind.
-- Frazzled
Dear Frazzled,
You need to seek professional help, like this doctor I used to go to, he had a really nice secretary, and once she wore this dress that reminded me of a girl I saw in a club once, which is where I had my first tequila sunrise, which was weird since it was after dark, when I was young I used to be scared of the dark, like my nephew, he likes the Power Rangers, I used to like Star Wars, but movie theater popcorn is so nasty, and you get stuff all over your shoes, which I have a hard time finding because I have size 15 feet...
Dear Auntie Buck,
I'm a semi-famous rock star living in the shadow of a legend. I try everything I can to get attention and make a name for myself -- heavy make-up, leather schlongs, sodomizing my band members, full body seizures, even fire. But nothing seems to work. What do you suggest?
-- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Get out of Trixter.
Dear Auntie Buck,
I'm in love with myself, but I'm afraid of rejection. I think myself might be interested in me, but how will I know for sure? should I take the risk and tell myself how I feel?
-- Insecure
Dear Insecure,
Masturbate. If your hand falls asleep, then you're in trouble. If not, see if you respect yourself in the morning.
Dear Auntie Buck,
Can you explain one more time how the square root of -1 is 'i'?
-- Haunted By Math
Dear Haunted,
It's very simple. The square root of -1 is "i" because it isn't "x". Christ, are you dumber than shit!